Charity should begin at home, but should not stay there. ~ Philip Brooks
You have not lived until you have done something for someone who can never repay you. ~ Anonymous
A good laugh is sunshine in the house. ~ William Makepeace Thackeray
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I am at war, folks. I am at war with an army of millions. Me... one man... against millions of members of a species that are not only resilient to my attacks, but relentless in their refusal to retreat.
To paraphrase a very wise kindergartner... they started it. I’m not an unfriendly guy. I welcome most guests with open arms. When there were a few, I left them alone, thinking we could co-exist harmoniously.
Have you ever been to a house party that got out of control? I remember once, in my much younger days, being invited to a house party where about thirty guests were invited. But some of those guests took liberties by inviting others. It wasn’t their home, nor were they the host, but they invited others and they, in turn, invited others… and so on… and so on. Before the poor host knew it, hundreds of young people were crammed into his house. The poor guy had to call the police on his own party to get it all under control.
Such is the case with those that I’m at war with now. They started as a few, but like a free-loading distant cousin overstaying their welcome, they refuse to leave and now consider my home… theirs. They are taking liberties. They are in every flowerbed, under my deck, under the tool shed and now… with several mass groups of them, they are throughout my lawn. Millions of them squatting on my land!
This is no longer a few pesky guests… this is an invasion of millions… maybe even billions. I must defend and take back my yard from bazillions of… ants!
I considered chemical warfare. I’ve scoured the shelves at Canadian Tire and Home Hardware, looking for a means to drive them from my lands. But I have a dog that sometimes decides that he wants a feed of salad, so I can’t risk chemicals in my flowerbeds or lawn. So, I researched natural ways to get rid of the little suckers.
I’ve been putting coffee grounds in the flower beds closest to the house… especially if it’s near a window. Ants find the smell of coffee repulsive, so they go elsewhere. One huge anthill, I took out by driving a copper pipe down the middle of it. I put a funnel at the top and began pouring pot after pot of boiling water straight down into the heart of that anthill. Yup… cooked the ants and any eggs they may have had. The only problem with this is that it also cooks the soil, so I now have a big circle of dead grass in the middle of my lawn.
I was told to mix icing sugar with borax, but again… the dog. He might want something sweet for desert after finishing his salad. So, the next anthill I attacked with a mixture of icing sugar and baking soda. I gave them several days to carry that mixture down into the heart of their nest, then I poured about five, 4L jugs of vinegar over the anthill. As the vinegar reached the baking soda, the chemical reaction simulated a mini volcano.
This seemed to reduce their numbers drastically. So, back to the grocery store I go to load up on vinegar and icing sugar and baking soda. I empty the shelves, intent on wiping out the enemy. My yard now smells like one giant pickle. The smell of vinegar is so strong that it covers the smell of the used coffee grounds that I diligently continue to dump in the flowerbeds every morning.
Proud of myself, I figured I had triumphed. Several days pass. I’m on my back deck, enjoying the sanctity of my yard. My wife is on the swing in the yard doing the same with the dog lying in the cool grass at her feet. Suddenly, the dog starts to get restless. The wife looks down and tells me, “There’s an anthill under the swing now and they’re biting the dog!”
Does anyone know where I can buy hand grenades?